Does Shopping at Wal Mart make you Ugly?

Or do Ugly people shop at Wal Mart? You’ve all seen the photos circulating on the internet of those demented looking people and you wonder, “Gee, how do they all show up at the same place?” Well, I am convinced shopping there makes you that way. Beware.

You see, I have Wal Mart-a phobia, and before there was Wal Mart, I had K-Mart-a-phobia. In full fits of cognizant stereotyping, these places creep me out because they remind me of where my parents would have shopped if we had had these stores “back then.” I won’t go into detail insulting my parents, suffice it to say I grew up raging against their lifestyle and consequently am somewhat a snob now along those economic lines, and damn proud of it too.

But last January I suffered a melt-down; sitting in Captain Tony’s bar in Key West, I met a guy who said he’d chucked everything to move to Key West and that he was really happy he did it. He was poor but debt-free at least and happy. I envied this guy for he had a look of peace on his face, not the crazed I-have-to-go-back-to-work dementia that I was trying to drown out with copious amounts of cold beer. At home after a week of wondering what life would be like if I could chuck everything ––foreclose on it all you goddamn banks ––and suffering great back pains of fear at the prospect, I called up my old therapist and made an appointment.

“But then I’d have to shop at Wal Mart,” I meeped out when she asked me what would be so wrong with making less money.

“We all shop at Wal Mart, Marisa,” she smiled.

And so, I compromised, I kept my job, house and various underwater rentals, and began to shop at Wal Mart once a month or so. A smaller step, I know, than chucking it all and moving to Key West, but hey, baby steps, ya know?

Sometime in the Summer, I noticed that almost overnight, my teeth were stained, much more than the red wine and coffee stains I usually get. It was curious but I thought well, over fifty, okay. . . and waited for my teeth cleaning appointment in December in hopes of a remedy.

December finally rolled around and my dental hygienist dug, scraped, polished and cleaned and gums swollen, I emerged with pearly white teeth. But she was curious too, why all the staining? That afternoon she called me. Another patient of hers had the same problem and she’d been using Crest Pro-Health mouth rinse, which has a chemical in it that causes staining.
And that was it! For when I shopped at Wal Mart, they didn’t have my regular mouth rinse in the white bottle so I bought this other mouth rinse in a white bottle. And this stuff is not just displayed on one shelf, but all over the place in the dental aisle, in such a way it’s telling you “buy me buy me buy me!” Sure enough, when I read the fine print on the back of the bottle (if you get your glasses at Wal Mart, you probably can’t read this):

. . . antimicrobial rinses may cause surface staining to teeth. This is not permanent or harmful and may be prevented by adequate brushing or removed at your next dental visit.

Now WHY would you want to rinse your mouth with something that makes your teeth turn brown? And why is this so heavily marketed at Wal Mart? Because they’re trying to make you ugly, that’s why. Brown-toothed lemmings happily shopping at Wal Mart. So now I’ve had a relapse, the one thing I did to simplify my life has back-fired on me.

Now I need to check the other things I buy at Wal Mart. Will the chapstick make my lips turn purple? Will the cotton balls infuse some drug into my facial pores that makes me want to wear Spandex? Will the vitamins make my boobs drop to my knees? I’m afraid now. I need to call my therapist again. Or maybe I should chuck it all and move to Key West. I don’t think there’s a Wal Mart down there.

5 responses to “Does Shopping at Wal Mart make you Ugly?

  1. lol! Super funny! You know they sell that mouthwash at every CVS, Walgreens, maybe even Whole Foods? I shop at Walmart ocassionally; when I’m not in an overly anxious state and I’m not exactly a hag. Why pay 30 bucks for a pair of pajama pants you can get at Walmart for half? But this is a very funny blog. Way funny!


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